Ultrasound pictures

We had our level 2 ultrasound on the new baby. I was a little nervous because the medicine I stopped taking at 6 weeks had the possibility of causing an cleft lip/palate, but Baby checked out perfectly. Aidan had the option of going to a friend's house or coming to the see baby and he did exactly what I thought he would. He came with us! Sienna just wanted to hang out with her friends.

That little boy is so in love with this baby. He asked to come to the birth, he asks what developments the baby has made in the last week, how big it is. He talks to it and kisses it. It is just so fun to see him and I think surprising in some ways, because I didn't expect it of my little man. He was happy the Dr. doing the ultrasound said the baby's heart looked really, really good. Ainy kept talking about that all night. I have to share some pictures. I am already so in love with this little person and I cannot wait to meet them!  And no, we don't know the sex. It will be a super fun surprise at the delivery!

Look at how perfectly you can see all the bones in the arm and that perfect little hand. I love it!

Baby feet!

Perfect profile. It's little face is so cute already!

It kind of looks like Skeletor, but still amazing to see.

4D-The Dr just switched the machine to this right at the end. I think it would look less weird if the baby was a little older and fatter. Still amazing though!

Lilly

I have some very mixed emotions about this, and I hope so much to be able to explain what happened and express how I feel in a way that makes sense.

I received a message on 8/30 to call Spencer's sister Carrie. Lilly was going to be removed from Cadie's care for at least 6 months and they wanted her to be placed with family if possible. Because of weekly visits with Cadie, it needed to be a relative in Utah. Carrie was worried about dealing with Cadie. Cadie has Bi-polar Disorder, which she doesn't treat, and also has Borderline Personality Disorder. This makes her very difficult to be around and deal with, and unfortunately for us, the issues were so severe that we had to cut complete contact to preserve our sanity, even though it meant that we would no longer have contact with our Lilly.

The next day, Carrie had found out that the State had shortened the time allowed for Birth Mothers to do what they need to to regain custody of their children. In Lilly's case and age, the limit is 12 months. If Cadie didn't regain custody in that time, Lilly would be placed for adoption. Carrie told the DCFS worker all about us, and how we had her for 5 months and we had previously been over halfway through the waiting period in the adoption process with her. They said because of complications with state-to-state adoptions, if we were still interested in the possibility, we should start getting things going now. I was very excited and anxious to do it, until I came back to reality and realized that it would be horrible to remove Lilly from Carrie's family after all that time, for all of them, no matter how much we would want her. I could never put them through what we went through.

I have such mixed emotions about this. On one hand, I am so grateful that Lilly is now in a safe, loving home, with people I trust completely with her. That is the most important thing; Lilly's safety. And yet, I am heart-broken. I feel in my soul she should be with us, we are her family, we love her. We still acknowledge her birthday and the day she left us. We watch our home movies with her in them and my kids know all about her and love her still. Their reaction when I told them that Lilly was being taken away from Cadie was, "when do we pick her up?". It seemed automatic that she should be with us.

We came to Hawaii feeling very strongly that we were meant to be here, and while I in no way question that, I am desperate to understand. Why? Why now, while we are here and cannot take her? I think I had given up on the hope she would ever be removed from her Mother and didn't think of the possibility of this happening and us not being there to take her home with us. If she ends up being adopted by Carrie, why did I have her in the first place? Why was I allowed to have her in my home, love her as my own, and have her possibly be raised by someone other than me or her Birth Mother? I know that Heavenly Father has a plan, things happen  for a reason, something I cannot see now and may not understand in this life. But it's hard.

I know some people don't understand. I should just be relieved that she is safe and loved right now. But having been her Mama, I feel she should be with me. Yes, I am so happy I don't have to worry about her the same way anymore. But the instinct is that we should be the ones to get her through her problems. I should be the one she is calling Mommy already, the one she wants cuddles from. Not because Carrie is less in any way. She is an amazing, beautiful, patient, kind person and mother and I would trust her with any of my other children. It's just because that's how mamas are, and that mama instinct has never left me for her.

Spencer and I actually talked about trying to have me and the kids move back temporarily; to take her until she either returned to Cadie or was released for adoption. But we were all so miserable apart for just 3 months last year, we could never do that again. My children are just settled here, they need their Dad, and I need Spencer. Even the new baby would be born there, away, and we had to think about this family, the one we have here and now. I apologize for how long this is and I hope that most of you can understand what I am feeling and why. Please don't think badly of me. I just love her so much and am so confused inside right now. I know so many know Lilly, or at least have heard about her from us and would want to know what is going on with that. This is the situation for now. Thank you for reading so long.

Sienna is 11!

One of the best things about our trip to Utah was being there over Sienna's birthday. We missed having Spencer, but we were so happy to have Nana, Papa, Aunts and Uncles, cousins, and of course, best friends. We set up a lunch with Sienna's best friends since she was 3 and in Daycare. Zoe is such an amazing young woman and Sienna was ecstatic to see her and celebrate her birthday lunch together. We love you Shannon and Zoe. Thanks for coming to lunch. We loved it.

I can't believe my "baby" is 11! She is growing up into such a young lady and has such a fun personality. She is so smart and talented. She is a great helper and loves to try to boss the other kids around. She loves her brother and sister so much and would do anything for them. We love you so much Sienna and are so grateful for the last 11 years. We can't wait to watch you keep growing into the amazing person you are becoming. Thanks for being our little girl. We love you!

Cousins/Gardner Village

My kids love their cousins so we also spent the night with Spencer's sister, Carrie, and her husband, Pablo. They had a blast playing and having their sleepover, and I had a blast getting to hang out with Carrie and Pablo.

Carrie had never been to Gardner Village so we had her come up with us, Kelsey, and my Mom, since we have to go there whenever we're visiting Utah. Carrie and her kids loved it too, so it was fun sharing it with them.

I had so much fun with my sisters-in-law and Mom and all the kids. It was a great time!

More Utah

While we were in Utah we were able to stay at one of my best friend's house. Amber is amazing and I love her and her kids so much! The kids all got along, which was surprising since they were all sleep deprived. Thanks Amber for letting us take over your house!

Brylee, Charlee, Sienna, Mad, Treygen, (Ariel), Aidan (I feel horrible that we missed a picture of Libbie. Love you Libs!)

Utah Trip

The kids and I had the opportunity to go to Utah suddenly and jumped at the chance. With the new baby coming, and the kids almost ready to start school (8/2!) we needed to go then or not at all. So we went. There are so many emotions going home; seeing all the faces I love so much, and then having to leave again is hard. We are so happy here, we love our new life, but we miss all of you from home.

We were able to get together with a group of friends right away. I have the best friends in the world who just planned stuff for me to show up to and set everything up for me so I wasn't scrambling trying to get ahold of everyone. There are still so many people I missed, but the pregnancy, jet-lag and morning sickness did not combine well and I did the best I could at the time. I'm sorry! Unless you live away from where you grew up and know the feeling of scrambling and trying to see everyone, please don't judge!

These are of my dear friends, Bekah, Jenna, Kayla, (all sisters), and Tasha. Tasha's husband is in medical school and she just happened to be in town so it was awesome. We used to get together for playdates and girl's night out. I  miss it so much! Love you ladies!

Bekah, me, Tasha, Jenna and Kayla (Sienna accidentally cut off half of Kayla while taking the picture. Sorry Kayla!)

All our rugrats. We started back in the day when we each had 2 children. 

 Aidan and his BFF "twin", Hunter. They share the exact same birthday.

We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us and are so grateful for you all making the time to see us. We miss you more than we can say!

Aidan lost a tooth!

Aidan finally, at almost 6 1/2, lost a tooth. The second one was only about a week behind in falling out too. He got to lose that one while we were visiting Utah. Am I the only one that goes nuts about their smiles when they have missing teeth? I love it so much. It just makes me giggle about how cute they are.

can you see Mad sleeping behind him?

My sleepers

I know I'm not the only one with little ones falling asleep all over, but we can't help but take pictures every time and then I have to post them. They just look so sweet while they're sleeping.

More fun with Nana

We did so many things I am just going to make this a bunch of random pictures. We saw Spouting Horn, Menehune Fish Pond, the Kilauea Lighthouse, the Wet Cave (one of them at least!), tons of beaches, Sienna, Nana and I got matching slippers, and all of us girls painted our toes to match. We loved having Nana here so, so much. Come again soon, please. We love you!

Hanakapi`ai Trail

This trail is the beginining of the Kalalau Trail, but doesn't go to the very dangerous part. You can go 2 miles, to the beach or do 4 to the Falls. We would have liked to make it to the beach, but Mad wasn't having it. Next time, we'll get a better carrier for her. The older 2 were troopers, though and wanted to keep going. This trail is breath-taking. So insanely beautiful and we can't wait to go again!

A

The best way to cool down after a hot hike is by jumping into a nice cool ocean!