Lilly

I have some very mixed emotions about this, and I hope so much to be able to explain what happened and express how I feel in a way that makes sense.

I received a message on 8/30 to call Spencer's sister Carrie. Lilly was going to be removed from Cadie's care for at least 6 months and they wanted her to be placed with family if possible. Because of weekly visits with Cadie, it needed to be a relative in Utah. Carrie was worried about dealing with Cadie. Cadie has Bi-polar Disorder, which she doesn't treat, and also has Borderline Personality Disorder. This makes her very difficult to be around and deal with, and unfortunately for us, the issues were so severe that we had to cut complete contact to preserve our sanity, even though it meant that we would no longer have contact with our Lilly.

The next day, Carrie had found out that the State had shortened the time allowed for Birth Mothers to do what they need to to regain custody of their children. In Lilly's case and age, the limit is 12 months. If Cadie didn't regain custody in that time, Lilly would be placed for adoption. Carrie told the DCFS worker all about us, and how we had her for 5 months and we had previously been over halfway through the waiting period in the adoption process with her. They said because of complications with state-to-state adoptions, if we were still interested in the possibility, we should start getting things going now. I was very excited and anxious to do it, until I came back to reality and realized that it would be horrible to remove Lilly from Carrie's family after all that time, for all of them, no matter how much we would want her. I could never put them through what we went through.

I have such mixed emotions about this. On one hand, I am so grateful that Lilly is now in a safe, loving home, with people I trust completely with her. That is the most important thing; Lilly's safety. And yet, I am heart-broken. I feel in my soul she should be with us, we are her family, we love her. We still acknowledge her birthday and the day she left us. We watch our home movies with her in them and my kids know all about her and love her still. Their reaction when I told them that Lilly was being taken away from Cadie was, "when do we pick her up?". It seemed automatic that she should be with us.

We came to Hawaii feeling very strongly that we were meant to be here, and while I in no way question that, I am desperate to understand. Why? Why now, while we are here and cannot take her? I think I had given up on the hope she would ever be removed from her Mother and didn't think of the possibility of this happening and us not being there to take her home with us. If she ends up being adopted by Carrie, why did I have her in the first place? Why was I allowed to have her in my home, love her as my own, and have her possibly be raised by someone other than me or her Birth Mother? I know that Heavenly Father has a plan, things happen  for a reason, something I cannot see now and may not understand in this life. But it's hard.

I know some people don't understand. I should just be relieved that she is safe and loved right now. But having been her Mama, I feel she should be with me. Yes, I am so happy I don't have to worry about her the same way anymore. But the instinct is that we should be the ones to get her through her problems. I should be the one she is calling Mommy already, the one she wants cuddles from. Not because Carrie is less in any way. She is an amazing, beautiful, patient, kind person and mother and I would trust her with any of my other children. It's just because that's how mamas are, and that mama instinct has never left me for her.

Spencer and I actually talked about trying to have me and the kids move back temporarily; to take her until she either returned to Cadie or was released for adoption. But we were all so miserable apart for just 3 months last year, we could never do that again. My children are just settled here, they need their Dad, and I need Spencer. Even the new baby would be born there, away, and we had to think about this family, the one we have here and now. I apologize for how long this is and I hope that most of you can understand what I am feeling and why. Please don't think badly of me. I just love her so much and am so confused inside right now. I know so many know Lilly, or at least have heard about her from us and would want to know what is going on with that. This is the situation for now. Thank you for reading so long.